NOVEMBER 2007. It was just my second time to drink by then. I’m with my friends that I’d been with for more than 3 years. I trusted these friends like they we’re already a part of my family. I was really heart broken by that time so out of nowhere I wanted to drink.

We were four when we started. We were just drinking a 1 Liter GSM Blue liquor but honestly I got tipsy for the shortest time anyone could ever imagine. At four shots I started to puke, and that was the last thing I could remember that I did that night. But honestly I felt that a sexual interaction occured, but I’m not really sure. I have let it pass, I’m with my friends and I’m pretty assured that they won’t do any harm.

The next month, I’ve been with a text conversation with a common friend. He asked me if I am the one who’s in the video. And I asked what video is he talking about? He said I shouldn’t mind, maybe he’s just mistaken. I just laughed. Without any idea of what does he really mean.

At the month of February 2008, I heard rumors about me included in a sex scandal, then I was like, hello? How come? Duh? It was really impossible to happen.

It already came the time that I knew everything about it. It was me and a friend who’s in the video. And yes, it’s real, I had a scandal which I wasn’t aware for months. What hurts the most is that the one who did it was my friend, and those who disseminated the copy of that video were my very trusted friends too.

What sucks twice, the one who took the video told everybody else that do that everytime and it is the only time i failed to delete the copy. I haven’t even seen the copy after 3 years for I knew it too late. And until now it bugs me. A friend told me, I really look unaware on the stupid video. No reactions and stuff, I haven’t even moved. What made it a big deal is that, I’m an SK councilor in our community, and it will really turn down my political career, not only me, but my whole SK family. It had been an issue for our term until now.

What would you feel, when you walk over the streets seeing a group of guys staring at a phone and will suddenly say, “Siya ba yun?”

I know to myself that I’m unconscious by that time, and I really don’t know what happened but a lot told me that if I got that statement, it’s very unpopular right now and its better if I would remain silent because it wouldn’t count.

I’m not even a bitch though honestly I look like. I’d been through this for years, almost everyone thought I am the best wild whore ever made. And every man whom I encountered that knew about my scandal, loses their respect for me.

Until now I couldn’t trust anyone. Literally.

Get over it? I did.

But until now, there’s nothing I could do about it.

It existed, nothing more, nothing less.

(Take some time to read)

Still can’t recover from the movie that I’ve watched a while ago, it was “TEETH.” A girl who got “Vagina Dentata.” (Latin for toothed vagina. Various cultures have folk tales about women with toothed vaginas, frequently told as cautionary tales warning of the dangers of sex with strange women and to discourage the act of RAPE.. -Wiki) Well honestly, the movie was slow and repetitive and I didn’t really enjoy watching it. But in some point on the movie I got something on my mind, MY TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD, and I wished I got one.

I’ve been a rape victim at the age of 8. Freaking? Well yeah, at 8. Who did it? It’s a good thing to remain it hangin’, maybe it might bug you for long if you would know.. he’s a relative though. It happened not only once, but a lot of times. I remained silent for years, for I got no one to deal with this, it was just me, alone. I’m afraid he might kill me together with my mother because that’s what he said so, I was just 8, I didn’t know what to do. If I have spilled it by now, it got no sense.

I’ve been dealing with this for years, I don’t even know how would I answer the question “Are you still a virgin?” Cause for I myself.. I knew it, I was not. I always wanted to be with the person I love, who would love me back for who I am and now I got no one. I realized it wasn’t just love that I am craving for, it was understanding.. and RESPECT. A lot would adore you for your traits, but not all of them would respect you, and yes I’ve been asking myself, “Do I deserve to be respected?”

On every eye.. I am lame, unworthy, dirty, impure, indecent and sometimes immoral. But for me I act real, I talk with my heart and I do think as far as I can imagine. Though sometimes I find it hard to trust anybody else, I knew those who had been true to me, and those who would stay for me. A lot of people might be talking behind my back, but they can’t pull me down, I’ve gone through this, and I will make it again.

It remains as a fact, I’ve been a rape victim, IT WAS NOT MY CHOICE BUT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. :)